Clue 2022: Mid-Term COVID Elections and War in Ukraine
AKA Where's my yacht club?

written by: Matteo Ciarcia on a plane ride on an iPhone

Peacock – Oh my God that guy doesn’t matter, let him stay President for another 24 hours.  The news cycle will have changed by then and there are two more members applying to NATO!

Scarlet – If we let him stay in the Oval Office he may get suspicious

White – if we let him cry in the situation room then Kamala will get suspicious.

Plum – If I were him I would be suspicious already!

Butler – We still haven’t decided which dictator caused COVID.   Covfeve!   It was the orange man with the fleshlight in the little boys room.

Cornel Covfeve (Trump)    
(plays with the fleshlight while they discuss him)

Butler – How?   

Prof Plum – Cornel Covfeve couldn’t pull off science.  I mean he stared at the sun during an eclipse.  

Scarlet–  right, don’t forget Cloroxing your lungs

Plum – If it wasn’t him then it was the First Lady!

White – Melania is here?  Melania had the dagger?!   

Plum – No No No the First Lady of Ukraine, of course.  

Butler – Nope she has an alibi.  Undisclosed location having sex with her husband…and Pete Butiges.

Peacock– How disgusting…

Butler – Are you making moral judgments?… how do you describe taking bribes to secure the new black woman justice to the Supreme Court?  Whatever her name was or is or isn’t since we are all obliged by your employer for the use of an alias.

Peacock – I haven’t been with a black man or Clarence Thomas.. (correcting) I mean I’ve never been blackmailed.   

Butler – Well you paid on the dark-web in BitCoin.   

Peacock – No that’s a vicious lie!  It was for OxyContin and some blue pills with a kangaroo on them.

Plum – Ok if it wasn’t you then it was the cook.  

White – Who would want to kill the cook?  

Scarlet– Dinner wasn’t that bad.    

Cornel Covfeve– The hell it wasn’t.  They wouldn’t serve that at McDonald’s and Sardines here sardines there it’s like a ShitShow back there…

( Ring Doorbell screen lights up)

Butler – No no they aren’t here yet.   It’s the latest thing.  Pre-ringing.

(They all wait in silence for what seems like forever)

Butler – It’s the chandelier it feel down almost killed us.

(Actual sound ring)

Butler – Now they are here!

White – Amazon

Scarlet– are we going to let them in?

(They look around for another long moment)

(Butler opens door finally)

ShitShowHo – Da da da da dat da..  I am your 20 second TikTok influencer ShitShowHo

Butler – we know we saw you on the camera.

ShitShowHo –  amazing….  But I am here to reduce your carbon footprint by changing all your light bulbs to LED warm white.     I’ll start with this chandelier since it is down here on the floor and easy to reach.

Plum – Clearly something has happened.   

Scarlet– great we’ll all have to talk about our carbon footprints
White – for what feels like an eternity

ShitshowHo – No nothing my love, nothing has happened.   I think we ought to fetch Mitt Romney and he will sort this shitshow out.  No we can’t he is Ausland and if any of the 4 jurisdictions find out he is in Utah he will instantly owe 400,000 x less than Cornel Orange.  I mean Cornel Covfeve!  

Scarlet – If we let him skip out on taxes then he can’t run again for office!  

President Biden (Enters sobbing) – I forgive him (sob sob)
(Secret Service holds a Kleenex box so Biden can use both hands to wipe the tears. 

(The technical person holds a microphone on a pole over his head to capture the sobbing)


President Biden – PARDON me is there a little boys room down here.

First Lady of Ukraine (in French Maid costume) “we we mi sir”.  

Plum –  “Do you want the fleshlight?  I locked it in the cupboard with the striker”

President Biden – no I just want to powder my nose.

Cornel Covfeve –  Did you hear him?  He said he “Pardoned me”.  I’m gonna be King of Ukraine.  (He holds his arms out as if he is Rose on titanic).  

(secret service places a paper Burger King crown on him and pretends to be Jack”

(French Maid First Lady looks away to see her new invited lover…)

Enter Macron WITHOUT his old lady….


Dunnn dun dahhhh

Based on and influenced by:

Clue (the Movie) 1985.